Patience

I've been working very hard on my patience at home with my daughter. I think I've made a break through. I find that everything goes smoother all around if I just try to sympathize with the disability of being a two year old. Most of the time I'm so wrapped up in my own stuff that I forget that she's a little person, she has feelings too. She has needs and wants that are hard for her to express and I am her mama, I need to be there to help her out with those things.

Now the true test. Patience at work and the rest of my life. I don't know if I mentioned but my issue was not just with Nevaeh. It was with patience all around. Work is a bad one. I work for a prescription benefit company, dealing with irate member(we all know how shitty Rx benefits are right? Especially if your on a lot of meds) most of which are old and decrepit...it's just stressful.

Road rage....I'm so bad with this one. Nevaeh will even yell at people in other cars for no reason because of my road rage. It's bad it's just bad.

Overly sensitive to my own feelings. If a friend doesn't call or text me back within the time i have allotted them, I start to get pissed off and impatient even though I really have no clue what the hold up is on there end. They could be dead, showering, sleeping, but my mind instantly goes to 'they're avoiding me!!.' Crazy, I know!

Inanimate objects. They are inanimate because they're suppose to do what I WANT THEM TO DO!!! Lol, this one is probably the most retarded. I get so pissed of when some....thing doesn't cooperate with me....even twisty ties piss me off sometimes. It's rather ridiculous, I know.

I think all around, in almost any situation I have little patience, and a big problem with having a bad attitude. I'm trying to let my patience with my daughter spill out into the rest of my life, because ultimately it's all small stuff and I'm sweating over nothing. In the long run none of these things really matter, and I'm just giving myself premature gray hairs and wrinkles.

perspective!~ perspective!~ perspective!~

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Raising a trucker

I have a potty mouth. I mean, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem right? I have a really bad and uncontrollable potty mouth. A mommy potty mouth and a two-year-old beginning to form sentences just don’t mesh.
She’s said bad words before….’god dammit’ if her toys aren’t cooperating or ‘shit’ if she trips on something, but it’s only ever right after I’ve said it. Can you say GUILTY!?!
Last night, we were snuggling on the couch singing songs, as we often do. I honestly am not sure what happened. I must have started singing a song that offended her because out of the blue she got this really pissed off look on her face, pointed her little finger in my face and said ‘shub up mama!’…Yes, I said shub.
She was so serious about it, and the cute mispronunciation of the word just made it harder for me to keep a straight face while I scolded her.
I fought back a smile and told her ‘don’t say that to mama’ (keep in mind, trying to talk while fighting a smile is like trying to talk with a frozen mouth while standing outside for an extended period of time in below zero weather), ‘you may ask me to be quiet please or shhhhh’.

It really is stressful to realize the huge impact you have on your kids. I’ve always had a really bad habit of picking at my cuticles and biting them. Nevaeh watched me to that and started picking on hers! Noooo!
Long story short, having my little short stack tell me to ‘shub up’ has been a really eye opener. I have to lock it down and be a better role model when it comes to language and cuticle biting or I'll have a little delinquent child on my hands!

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ascendancy - morphing into mommy

You know that feeling when it’s like you’ve been treading water for eternity. When you feel that you’ve drudgingly been shuffling through a pitch-black tunnel with no end in sight. You’re just so tired. There is nothing new or exciting to look forward to. Just your meaningless life…the same everyday and destined to be the same until the end of time. You try, but you cannot see beyond the darkness.
When everything seems so wrong and you can’t find your way. You can’t see any other way but despair, what do you do? When you can barely breath. When you can barely define hope let alone feel it. When possibilities seem more like a fairytale than a fact of life.
And then, something smacks you in the face and you don’t know whether to laugh because something new has happened, something different and potentially exciting, or cry because you meaningless existence has reached a new low.
Then a feeling overwhelms you, but you can’t put you finger on it. A feeling that fills you with light and butterflies. Hope.
I have reached rock bottom (or what I felt at the time was rock bottom) several times in my young life. I’ve had no hope, no ambitions and felt that life had nothing good to offer me. That’s a heavy load for a person who has only lived a fraction of their life.
I felt sorry for myself all the time and I felt I was not capable of seeing anything worth living for, ever. I was stuck in my miserable way of thinking, and I saw no escape.
Looking back it was pretty damn pathetic. I was pretty damn pathetic. I was so good at blaming others for my miserable life. I refused to take any responsibility. I blamed my parents, my circumstance (which I had convinced my self I had no control of), but I never looked within. I blamed everyone and everything except the one person that was to blame. Myself.
I expected bad things to such an extent that I actually was the key player in creating them. Almost as if it was some sick form of satisfaction to believe bad things would happen to me and be right! I used to believe with all of my being that I wouldn’t make it to the age of 18…. then the age of 21. I saw no future. I saw nothing. I felt I was nothing. I hurt everyone around me because I wanted them to feel how I felt inside. I wanted to bring everyone down with me to try and cure the desperate loneliness. I didn’t think anything would snap back into place for me, ever.
I feel it’s very important I illustrate the person I was pre-mommy, because that person no longer exists. She is dead to me and hopefully to the world, but still a lesson remains in her.
I think back to the miserable person I used to be and it feels like dream. I think about the way that I am now, and the way I insist on always trying to better and better, and I know the person I was would never ever in a million years believe the things I’ve been through and done. The difficult decisions I’ve made to protect the best interest of my mini family. She would probably throw rocks at me and call me a buzz kill.
I truly believe that if you reach within yourself and try to see the beauty that is life, you can. It’s not difficult if you really want to see it. Possibilities really are endless, and this is not just some generic motivational line. This is not just another form of psychobabble bullshit. This is life my friend. This is the existence we all live in. Anything can happen at any time, and I am living proof of this.
When I found out I was pregnant I just wanted to die. I cursed the innocent life living inside me. This is the slap in the face I was referring to. My entire pregnancy was miserable (by my own will) and I had nothing good to say about being a soon to be mom. I had no job, no money, no place to live, no father figure for my child, and I just didn’t want a kid.
I can see now I was very fortunate. I was given a child. A child chose me to be her everything. She gave me meaning and purpose. These things would have taken me years of mistakes and hardship to find, if I ever were to find them. She saved me.
She provided me with the courage I needed to stand up and take back the control I had lost. Through the wisdom in her eyes I found the power within myself to set goals for my daughter and myself and meet them over and over. I was given the courage to build myself up from the ground. To rise above the negativity I had surrounded myself with.
Following the birth of my daughter I started school, I got a good paying job, I bought a brand new car, I began to sort through all the unhealthy feelings that was my evil self. I have since moved out of my mother’s house and set up shop in a very nice area in central WI. I have my own apartment, a good job, and am very happy in my cozy little life.
I have opted to stay single until I find a partner worthy of all that I stand for and all that I want for my daughter and myself. So far, I cannot say that I’ve seen any potential, but this mama is not settling. I have found happiness in being single. I am my own boss, I spend my time and money how I choose, and I raise my daughter the way I feel is right.
I find that everyday is a new adventure. Anything that I’ve wanted to see in myself or wanted to have for myself has come to pass either by me setting and achieving my goals or by sheer happenstance. I dream of what I need and by way of what seems like a miracle, possibilities and opportunities manifest without any explanation. If it’s all just a beautiful lie, may I remain ignorant please?


There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving... and that's your own self.
Aldous Huxley

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Body, Mind, Spirit-PART II

It may seem odd that the name of this post is ‘Mind, Body, Spirit’, when my previous post seemed to be focused on what a crappy mom I am. First let me start by saying I’m a weirdo. I don’t make a lot of sense a lot of the time, but I’ll do my best to explain. My relationship with my daughter in first and foremost, therefore when I think about being the best person I can be (body, mind and spirit), motherhood is the first area that comes to mind.

I talked in my last post about how I allow my thoughts to take over, assuming that thinking constantly about being better is enough. Obviously this is delusional to believe, and it ends up frustrating me even more. So the question is how can I force myself to take thoughts and make them into action to create my ideal reality. How can I become the best I can be; body, mind and spirit. I don’t know, but I’ll take a stab at it anyway.

So first I should probably define what it is I hope to accomplish in this leaf turning process.

My mind will be open to new idea and possibilities. My thinking will be positive and light hearted. I crave knowledge and seek it out. I try to see the bigger picture in all situations and allow my logic to overcome my emotions whenever necessary.

My body will be the best that it can be. I will get a natural high from eating right and exercising. I have found the endurance I once had by working on my fitness and ridding myself of toxins such as cigarettes and alcohol.

My spirit will be that of a child. I will keep my focus on the present and keep all things in the proper perspective. I will look for the good in all things and find every opportunity to find beauty around me. My luster for life will be restored and I will look forward to every new sunrise. I will establish a foundation of spiritual beliefs that will carry me through hardship and see me safely and soundly through the rest of my days.

Well, that’s it. Seems so simple and so hard all at the same time. Behind my list of wants there needs to be reason…motivation to succeed, and that is why my first post was so much about my daughter. What drives any of us? What motivates any of us to be better? For me it’s something I feel that is bigger than myself. My daughter.

They say anything done for 30 days becomes habit. And I’m relatively sure I still hold at least a smidgen of will power. I’m a huge nerd, and read a lot. I retain stuff, but I’m really bad with remembering sources. Once I read something and I’m not sure which historical figure it way about…. Abe Lincoln maybe? Ben Franklin? Whatever, I don’t remember, but basically it was a motivational excerpt, which was based in some famous well-respected historical figures philosophy.

Nobody is perfect. Most are far from it. Our need to never stop learning and always keep trying to be better people is what defines us. This particular historical figure would keep a list of his character flaws, bad habits, things he wanted to hone, learn about or do, ect. In general just things he felt he needed to work on or change.

The key was that he would take these on one at a time. He would work on each thing individually until he felt he’d reached a level of mastery. It wasn’t until he reached this point that he would move onto the next thing. He never took on more than one thing at a time. I think this is so wise and inspiring.

It really makes any and all goals seem feasible. Just break it down. I don’t have to be super hero to change my life and myself. I just need truck along one habit at a time…. and so I shall.
I’ll keep my progress updated. Now it’s just a matter of what I should work on first? You guessed it! Provide more one on one, patience and love to my daughter. I will work on this until I have mastered it…it’s time’s like this I'm glad being a mom has taught me how to multi task as my promise to her is a lifetime one.

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Body, Mind, Spirit-PART I

Everyone has their good day and their bad days, their good experiences and their bad ones. You have good thoughts and bad, good intentions and bad. The glass in half full/empty, ect. We stress about how to be better, or don’t think much about it at all and concentrate more on how others around us should be better. We lose ourselves in thoughts, we kill ourselves with thoughts, and we judge others and ourselves with thoughts. So, what is it that defines us then? And, what do we need to do to bridge the gap between our desired selves and who we actually are. Is it the decisions and actions we choose daily?

I know one of my biggest regrets, something I kicked myself about daily, is my lack of patience with my daughter. I mean, I know there are kids all over the world who have it worse than my daughter. I don’t abuse her physically, or neglect her. All her needs are met and I love her dearly. It’s just this patience thing. I think an even bigger way of considering it is peace of mind. I don’t have it and I need it desperately. This is going to sound so God awful, but this is my online journal, and what would be the point if I sugar coat?

Sometimes when she really gets in her fussy, crabby, snotty little girl moods, I swear to God if I have to hear another minute of her nails on a chalks board screeching and whining I’ll gouge my eyeballs out. I’ll pull every last hair out of my head! I swear if I have to wake up another morning and fight her tooth and nail just to get her diaper changed and get her dressed, if I have to feel this life that I CREATED kicking the shit out of me while I try to change her shit diaper. If I have to hear her begging for her god damned pacifier for another second…. Ok, you get the picture. I’m not proud of my lack of coping, but it’s there.

I can see the error of my ways. I need to teach my daughter that we talk we don’t yell or whine, but I myself cannot follow these simple guidelines. God, I really piss myself off sometimes.

The last few days I’ve been making a point to stop what I’m doing whenever Nevaeh gets in baby fit mode and I come down to her level and look her directly in the eyes. I talk to her in a calm and even voice and ask her what she needs. If she continues to whine I tell her (calmly and evenly) that she needs to calm down, and ask her again to tell me what she needs in a nice girl voice.

This works!

But being a single mother has its challenges too. After a long day at work, and a few random stress factors outside of work, sometimes I just don’t have the patience to go through all that jazz. Stop what I’m doing, kneel down to her level and talk her through he emotional outburst. If I get too frustrated and I need a break, I don’t have that option like two parents households do. I can’t pawn her off on my husband so I can go for a walk and cool down. When I’m with her, I’m with her. No exceptions. I’ve tried locking myself in the bathroom to cool down when I really feel like I’ve had enough, and she follows me to the door and screams and pounds on the door. There is no break for me…. well, except work, but hell that’s no break!

I am one who is stuck in thinking mode. I over think. I think instead of act. I yell and get frustrated with my daughter, then think a lot about how guilty I feel and how I wish I would have handles things differently. It’s a vicious cycle. I think about how I teach her every day how to handle stress and anger and frustration, and what a shitty job I’m doing so far. I think about all the ways I want to be better, and what I would do as a ‘perfect’ mother. Why can’t I just stop thinking for a minute and just do what’s right? Do what makes me feel like a success as a parent and a person rather than a failure.
Sometimes I think I’m not motivated enough to change. Sometimes I’m really really good at justifying the way I am and the things I say and do. ‘I’m a single mother god dammit! I have to do everything myself! I have a lot on my plate! Nobody could be expected to deal with as much as I do and keep a level head, or any sort of peace of mind!’ But somehow, this mind set is less than empowering. I know I’m better than that. So what gives?

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Just Maybe

Just maybe... we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. Just maybe... when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we do not even see the new one which has been opened for us. Just maybe... it is true that we do not know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we do not know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Just maybe... the happiest of people do not necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Just maybe... the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you cannot go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches. Just maybe... you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
Just maybe... there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much t hat you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more. Just maybe... the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you have ever had. Just maybe... you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too. Just maybe... you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Just maybe... giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Do not expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it does not, be content that it grew in yours. Just maybe... happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Just maybe... you should not go for looks; they can deceive; do not go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. Just maybe... you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy. Just maybe... you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying .

-author unknown(by me at least)

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Parenting 101

One question that constantly burns within me is this: Do I have the tools to be a good, effective parent? Meaning, am I capable of rearing a well-rounded functional and productive little person into adulthood? This is an important one. Raising a child is difficult. There are so many factors and circumstance and trying to keep your own head on straight. Right and wrong becomes a fine (almost invisible) line when faces with a seemingly crazed child. I recently came across an article. Couldn’t tell you where who or what, but it was fascinating none the less. It was basically 8 guidelines for successful parenting (actually 8 things NOT to do) and I would like to share!

One thing that is consistent within the entire article is the importance of praise. It may be one of the most important tools a parent can possess. Kids will tune out yelling and reasoning, but a genuine compliment or positive observation of behavior moves mountains! There are three main keys to sincere praise. I added the forth as overkill to drill the point home.
1.) Praise sincerely, with the effusiveness of a lotto winner!
2.) Say exactly what the child did RIGHT!
3.) Finish with affection of some kind; hugs, kisses, a pat on the back.
4.) Kids can tell if you’re not sincere so don’t push a default compliment off on them…they’ll know it!

On the flip side there are several more things you can do wrong. These are the big mommy no-nos.
1.) Failure to set limits- Limits are a must; reasonable limits but that which are enforced and indestructible. That means no caving people! A good way to look at this is choices. Give you child the options to make their own decision. Provide two choices both of which you approve. Also going along with this is making sure bad behavior (toddler tantrums) isn’t just a plea for attention. Kids need attention! They aren’t meant to be background décor!
2.) Tendency to overprotect- I am a guilty party to this. Parents have a tendency to jump in too quickly. To try and shield there children from any kind of harm, or wrong doing. This could be more debilitating than helpful. What this actually tells your child is that you don’t think they are capable of handling it. Kids need to experience natural consequences for their actions whenever possible.
3.) Us parents nag, lecture, repeat and yell- Don’t waste your time or patience on repeated command because it’s human nature to respond to these things by tuning them out. Yelling may get some attention however your child will ultimately mimic this behavior. Nagging is a form of negative reinforcement…in other words an incentive to keep misbehaving. You’re teaching them how to get your attention.
4.) Praising too much, and badly- Basically just mean what you say people. Be engaged. Your child is a little person whose social skills and self-esteem are growing every day. Pay attention and give praise that is heart felt. Try to stay away from praise that generalize you child “your special”, “your smart”, this may create a situation where your child believe that’s what they are, they do not need to work for a good test score or whatever the case may be. These children make less effort and have a harder time dealing with failure. Probably just stick to “ I love you” as an endearing praise.
5.) Punishing too harshly- Spanking…very controversial. Where is the line when punishment becomes less about ‘teaching’ your child and more about ‘payback’. Findings are as follows; discipline works best when it’s immediate, mild and brief. It can then be associated with the unacceptable behavior while avoiding anger and resentment from your child. Time outs are my personal favorite. A time out should last in minutes as old as your child is in years. Once a child has outgrown time out’s (teenagers!!!!) punishment shouldn’t last more than a day. This is for the same reason as younger kids. Instead of teaching, you are putting wedges in relationship, which ultimately hurts everyone. Whenever possible consequences should be directly related to the transgression. Examples: fixing something they broke, not using the car because they haven’t put gas in it, ect. Try to allow the natural consequences of your child’s actions to flow whenever possible.
6.) Telling you child how to feel- Empathy for people leads the list of qualities people need to successfully handle relationships at school, work and in a family. Children need to think about their feelings affecting what they do and affecting other people feelings. This is what will inhibit a child from hurting others either physically or emotionally. When you tell your child “don’t cry” or “you’re fine” you deny your child the chance to learn those lessons. Practice being empathetic with your child. They will learn by example.
7.) Putting grades ahead of creativity- encourage your children to think creatively, because ultimately life isn’t about being able to answer all the questions, but rather asking the right questions. You can help your child fine tune this by asking open-ended questions.
8.) Forgetting to have fun- Laugh often. No matter how old, laugh together, and do it often. Plan activities. Super glue that family unit early.

I don’t know about you, but I took a tremendous amount from the information in that article. It’s easy to get lost in the day to day. I know me, personal, I often find myself forgetting that I have a little person who’s morphing into a kid, then an adult. She can’t be expected to listen to orders all day, and oblige like a dog. She a person just like me. All kids are. Best of luck

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Mental block with emphasis on MEN!

A recent situation…. or current I should say, has caused me to evaluate the way I feel about relationships. Not only that, but has caused me to see that my biggest handicap is just that, relationships. Since I split from my daughter’s father in ’05 I haven’t gotten close to anyone. Now, don’t get confused, this has nothing to do with lingering feelings for my daughter dad. If it weren’t for Nevaeh I would regret the day I ever laid eyes on him. No, I’m really not sure what it is.

There have been people that I’ve been interested in, but somehow it never works out the way I envision. It seems that I always either get ahead of myself and let my feelings and imagination get out of control which in turn causes whatever guy to think I’m some sort of crazed lunatic (which I probably am!) or I freeze up and can’t even conceive of being in a relationship so whatever guy I’m interested in begins to sense that I’m am NOT interested and backs off. I don’t know I don’t know *shakes fist at the sky, I just don’t know!

In reflecting on this phenomenon, I realized that a big reason why I can’t seem to make it click with guys is because of my daughter. Getting myself back into the swing of dating was never a difficult thing for me…when it was just me. Now that my choices with guys will directly affect my daughter I guess I’m just gun shy or something. Either nobody’s good enough, or I don’t have enough self-esteem to feel out the ones that are good enough. It’s a vicious cycle.

It’s going on three years now, and I’m not even twenty-three. Enough is enough, I say! What do I have to do? I rarely think about this, but now that the floodgates have been opened I need to figure out what I have to do to get past whatever mental block I have! What’s the deal? What do I have to do? Dear God help me!

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only child...siblings...only child...siblings...

One of my favorite bloggers, Ms. Kristen D. over at WorkitMom recently had an interesting post about being a single mother of a toddler, and not really feeling like more kids are in the near future…which in turn causes guilt that your toddler has to play alone. This was a great read, as I think many people in many different circumstances can relate.

Me personally? I really didn’t want kids to begin with, so thinking about having another one in a timely enough fashion for a second child to be a playmate to my daughter is pretty much a laughing stock. Don’t get me wrong. Deep down, I think I would like to have another child one day…when I’m married, and financially stable, and have a 10-year-old daughter who changes diaper…maaaaybe.

I’m only twenty-three. I really don’t have my shit together. I love my daughter and I know I’ve done the right thing by leaving her dad. I know I’m making decisions based on what’s best for her, and honestly doing the best I know how, but I am NOT ready for another child. Even if I find myself in a loving relationship that I can see going somewhere, I still cannot see myself having another child anytime soon. Am I being unfair to Nevaeh? I don’t think so. I think that due to circumstance I am in no position to live up to the American dream of having all your kids at once, so they grow up as friends. Getting ‘em all out there so your childbearing years are behind you with nothing but retirement left to look forward to.

Reading Kristen’s post did make me think though. I mean, the way my daughter will grown up is really and truly in my hands alone…only child…. sibling…. only child…. sibling. The kicker is this. I have a sister who is just 19 months younger than me and we went through that whole sibling rivalry thing, but ultimately we turned out to be best friends. Don’t get me wrong there were many a time during my youth that I wished and hoped and prayed to be an only child, but in the long run I’m so grateful I have a sister close to my age. So with the knowledge of sisterhood, is it truly selfish for me to blatantly deny my daughter any hope of having a sibling close in age? Maybe, but I’m still doing it.

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autism-vaccines and Holllywood

Newbie mommy and actress Amanda Peets is speaking out on her beliefs on several parenting topics, namely vaccines. She will be shooting a video designed to raise awareness as to the importance of vaccinating your children and doing it within recommended schedule. This video is called ‘Every Child By Two’. She said, and I quote, ” I feel that parents who don't vaccinate their children are parasites."
In a recent interview with Cookie magazine she’s also mentioned her own daughter Frances “Frankie”, “ I don’t like to give her medicine or put sunscreen on her.” Frankie is up-to-date on her vaccines (with no staggering), and she will soon appear in a public-service announcement for ‘Every Child by Two’, urging all parents to vaccinate their children.

Okay, first off, NO SUNSCREEN! Are you freaking serious? Is this chick whacked? She’s going to stick her not even two year old daughter on TV for a public service announcement on a highly controversial issue about shooting your kids up with all rounds of several diseases by two years of age, but she’s doesn’t like giving her daughter medicine or sunscreen!? Do I need to explain further, is it just me or is this the most f*cked up logic ever!

Second, just the name of that video Every Child By Two, pisses me off. I also have opted into vaccinations for my daughter, however after extensive research on the pro's and cons I came to my own conclusion. There are certain manufacturers of vaccinations (cough*Eli lily *cough) that do add potential harmful ingredient as well as high levels of mercury to cut cost. This was actually added as a clause to the Patriot Act that this company would not be responsible for any liability issues related to their poison vaccines. I also am able to comprehend the benefits of vaccinations.
The Chinese don't shoot their kids up with any diseases until they've reached five years of age. I think this is wise, and although I haven't gone that far, you better believe I do not follow the vaccination schedule as recommended. I waited a year before taking my daughter in, and we do them one at a time. Yes, she is behind, but she's not acquired any sudden and 'unexplainable' developmental challenges either. I was in shock when she went to her first check up at 1 month old and they 'strongly advised' me to shoot my daughter up with 6 different diseases at one time. I told them to go to hell.
I know that it’s really pointless to give a crap what these Hollywood starlets think, but how dumb can you be? I would advise anyone who is looking for more info on vaccines and autism to look into 1 of these topics. Eli Lily and Co. and their clause in the Patriot Act regarding poisonous levels of mercury, the Federal Court case regarding Autism-Vaccines in which compensation was deemed appropriate for several cases…although there are some 5,000 cases pending.

Check out this article. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-kirby/government-concedes-vacci_b_88323.html
I know this is controversial, and I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone but SHIT! These are our kids God dammit! The government is NOT the all knowing, they’re just people like us, and frankly their little organizations (the FDA comes to mind!) have royally ass raped up in the past without Vaseline on several occasions! Do your own research people; make your own decisions, please!

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A life in training

So many questions I ask myself, and all I hear is crickets. When will logic take over my rebellious emotions? Why does every conflict feel like the end of the world, when they always pass softly and without incident? Why can’t I see the life ahead of me? Does the truth escape me because I refuse to let it be? What happened to my love for life? My wonderment? My inner child banished but yearning to show me luminosity once again. Where is she? I miss her dearly.

I find more often than not I have a movie playing in my head. It’s just little snippets of my own life, new and improved. A scene of me in top physical condition, with a deep craving for food that will fuel and nourish my body as opposed to the fattening cheeseburgers I crave now. A scene of me feeling a natural high after pushing my body to its physical limits in a strenuous work out as opposed to the laziness I feel now. A scene of my caring too much about my health to smoke or drink, instead of my current complete lack of regard for my body now. A scene of my daughter and I playing and frolicking, truly bonding as mother and daughter should, as opposed to the constant fog I’m lost in; just try to get through the day to day without really thinking to much about the precious moment to moment. Am I the only one who feels like this?

Does everyone constantly re-evaluate themselves and their lives? Does everyone have this picture playing in their head ofwhat and who they should be, and how their life should unfold? Does everyone attempt to psycho analyze themselves like I do? Does everyone want to be better as much as I do; so much that self-reflection has been replaced by madness? Does everyone else feel like they’re going in circles like I do? Does anyone else feel that there needs to be a breaking point? A point where everything clicks and you finally have the will, the way and the courage to be all that you can be? Is it just me?

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White trash with money! =/

A recent issue of OK! magazine sports Jaime Lynn Spears and her newborn daughter on the cover....And in spite of troubling reports of teenage pregnancy pacts and the efforts of shows like Baby Borrowers to de-romanticize having a baby at a young age, Jamie Lynn wants everyone to know that "being a mom is the best feeling in the world!"

I'm sorry, I know Jaime Lynn Speak is a young single mom, and some of us have been there. She and her baby deserve to be happy, and good for her if things are going well...but Jesus! I guess you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl, eh? That family is trailer trash, and unfortunately they are also role-models for our kids.

I made a comment on a post regarding this where one commenter had stated "but she has no obligation to 'be an example' to anyone", to that I would say ABSOLUTELY! She's not obligated to be an example to anyone. However, she's got to be pretty dumb if she doesn't realize that kids across the U.S. DO look up to her.

She is an example by the simple fact that she's famous....and famous of her own free will mind you. She chooses to stay in the public eye, as does her sister.

My 12 year old sister loves Zoey 101, and it angers me to the core that this girl is so impressionable to our youth.

OK, she's a 16 year old unwed mother. Fine. Great. Just stay the hell out of the public eye and stop hyping up how great it is to be an unwed mother.

This may be a little dramatic, but I feel that she is/will cause several young lives to be put on the back burner so that said impressionable teens can learn the hard way that it's not all rainbows and butterflies having a child at 16.

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Date Night

So, I have a few single mother friends with little girls around the same age as my daughter. One of which I decided to invite over last night for a taco dinner/play date. It was fun we had some taco, a few beers. The girls played. I also invited a single father friend over. Although he didn't have his little girl at the time. He did bring a female friend along with a 7 week old baby.
Now I'm not sure if this is a mommy thing across the board, but OMG, that precious little baby. So little, so sweet, so innocent...with that great baby smell! I almost died! Every time I see a newborn I want another baby! WTF is that about!?
Now, my logical side says 'just get your tubes tied now!'...but then there's this stupid maternal side that just yearns to hold a tiny little human against me while he snuggles completely still in my arms, staring into my eyes with total trust and comfort. God!
I think I need to avoid baby's, because I've already reasoned that if I ever do have another child, it will not be until Nevaeh is old enough to change diapers. We're looking at at least 8-10 more years.

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Not sexy with toddler in tow

So here’s an awkward post for ya. I was really excited for this particular Fourth of July to hit. My daughter was just 10 days old Independence Day ’06, and still at just over a year old in ’07, I felt her little ears were too young for fireworks. At long last I wanted to share this experience with her.
Fireworks take place at a big fair in the area, which you must pay $7 for a little button to get it. This is because there are many other events (derby’s and such) that take place over 4th of July weekend and the button is good all weekend. Well, I wanted to see the fireworks, period. My plan was to park across the way from the fair and just watch them in my car with Nevaeh.

This plan was foiled when I had a friend in need. I won’t go into details, but I was needed as a distraction for one of my girlfriends at the fair. I managed to sneak my toddler, stroller and myself in through some trees to avoid the fee. I know, bad example, but what’s the difference? I just want to watch the fireworks! I wasn’t even going to try and sit in the grand stand. I mean, what nerve if I didn’t even pay my $7. I was planning on camping my stroller and myself by the beer tent… ok, just outside of the beer tent, SHEESH! And watch my metal head toddler thrash around on the dance floor to the live band covering rock from mostly the 60s and 70s.
The friend I was with happened to have several good-looking single male friends with her. I, being a go-getter, was severely tempted to start a friendly (aka flirtation) conversation with one, or possible all of them but something stopped me. My daughter was close by, but too busy partying it up to notice me, so I didn’t feel bad about the whole ‘role model’ part of mommy-hood. I just felt…I don’t know, awkward?
I have a really bad habit of basing my experiences and my own personal feeling about thing on what I think other people think. Kind of like, everyone else must think the same way I do, syndrome. If that even makes sense. One of these things is mom’s are not sexy. A toddler in tow is not a selling point. Trying to flirt while leaning against a stroller with one eye constantly on the dance floor to make sure my mini-me doesn’t fall down and get a boo-boo means you should probably NOT be flirting.

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salute to single mama's

I am a young single mother of a 2 years old little girl. We have been settled in our cozy little mini family since I’ve been about 3 months pregnant. We’ve been through a lot of struggles in the last few years both financially and emotionally, but always managed to come through it with lots of snuggles, hugs and kisses.
It’s easy to resent being the only one to stand up and take full responsibility for that innocent little life. I know better than anyone how hard it can be (my whole family lives in Chicago and I’m up here in central WI) with no support system.
Let us be our own support system. Let struggling single parents be there for other struggling single parents. We all have something to offer whether it be advice, hand me downs, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on…. hell, even another set of eyes on your frolicking child or an adult conversation on a play date can really take the edge off!
I’d like to propose a shout out to all us single mama’s who work long and hard for the little ones that we love. Who stand proudly in the face of adversity and laugh at the shunned looks of ignorant people who refuse to walk in another’s shoes before judging them. Whether you’re a single dad, divorced, widowed, single by choice or by chance, WE ROCK! And never ever forget that. No matter where your life takes you or how your circumstance makes you feel about yourself, you will always be a hero in the eyes of your child. Don’t take advantage of that! Much love!

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mama drama

I lived with my mother for the last 6 months of my pregnancy as well as the first 16 months of my daughter’s life. I honestly don’t know what I would have done or where I would be right now if I hadn’t. Although my mom and me had and have many differences, I will always believe that at that time in my life that was the best place for my daughter and me.
My mother taught me so much about caring for an infant, and helping me to understand that her crying wasn’t meant to annoy me, but was her way of communicating. She really did a lot to bring out the empathy in me and was truly the key in helping me to create a solid foundation for being a good mother. My mom stayed with my daughter all day while I worked full time, and two nights a week while I went to school. In addition I was also permitted to go out on occasion which was nice considering I had a 4 month old on my 21st birthday. For all of this, I will always be grateful.
On the flip side, like I stated previously, my mom and I have a lot of differences. Once I felt I had the swing of caring for my child I felt she was always breathing down my neck. She became overbearing. Her opinion found it’s way into every aspect of my life and it was too much.
I think a lot of it was the fact that my mom and I (she may not even realize it) have a negative history. I won’t go into details, but she’s done a lot of things over the years that have caused me to lose a lot of respect for her. Most of which took place when she had 4 young children with a 5th on the way and was in her mid thirties, ahem. Although now that we’re all older, including my mom she’s seen the error of her ways and she’s trying to be better (emphasis on trying), it is still difficult for me to take any criticism from her as a result. I just don’t feel she’s in any position to judge me, or anyone else for that matter.
For me, growing up, I never really got to know my extended family. I have many aunts and uncles that I didn’t know anything about them but their names. It seemed like my mom didn’t like her family so we just didn’t see any of them. My mom didn’t like my dad’s family so we didn’t see any of them. I don’t know, I guess it’s not that big of a deal, but I feel like I missed out of family functions and big family get together’s because of this.
This is why now that I’m a mom I really want to put all my personal feelings aside and give my daughter the chance to know my parents, my brother and my sisters. It’s that age-old desire to be better than your parents were. To be different…to show them up in a way. I just find it difficult at times, and now here is the point of this post.

I live in Central Wisconsin. My mother lives in a south suburb of Chicago. We try to do our best to visit, but mostly we just talk on the phone. I recently took a 5-day vacation and drove the 300 miles with my daughter to go visit for my daughter’s 2nd birthday. The visit was good, but a little too long for my taste. There were so many presents to bring back at the end of the trip that I couldn’t fit them all in my car so we left them, planning for us to either make the drive to pick them up at a later date, or my mom would drive up to WI to drop them off and stay the weekend with us.
Now, I am required to work one weekend a month. I have a lovely sitter here in my area that my daughter adores by the way, who is gracious enough to be reliable for me on these weekends. Here is the issue. I made sure my sitter was available for my weekend in advance. The Monday before my weekend my mother decided she was going to drive up for that weekend so I wouldn’t have to pay my sitter. Very considerate, right? I thought so too. So on the Tuesday prior to said weekend I threw my sitter a text message that I didn’t need her. Long story short she had declined another sitting job for this weekend because; well…I more or less have first dibs on her. And now she’s sh*t out of luck for spending money.
I just assumed my mother would understand that unless she can guarantee she will be able to drive 5 hours once a month to cover me for my weekends to work, I need to keep my sitter happy. She’s reliable, she’s good with Nevaeh and I can afford her. This is not a situation I want to mess up by cancelling to late and messing with someone’s cash flow. My mom can come up virtually any weekend, but when I told her I needed to cancel the visit, she threw this big guilt trip at me, and it was at that moment I realized how good my mother is at playing the victim. “It's really just completely illogical that after 47 years of life I have not yet learned to EXPECT to be treated as if I am of so little significance.”
Okay, so maybe some of you out there would feel sorry for poor mom trying so desperately to make me feel like crap while she attempts to play the role of ‘person being shit on’. All I can envision is her stomping her foot like a two you old ‘But I wanted to come up THIS weekend, Waaaaaaa!’ And now, because of this (what I consider small and petty) situation, we are not speaking. I’m sure it’s just temporary, but I also know she will never let me forget that one weekend that I chose my sitter over her.

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Skinny-fat

I was recently encourage by a post from one of my favorite bloggers to buckle down and start working out and eating better. I am by no means over-weight, but I definitely have some over-lapping and jiggling action going on. This particular blogger refers to this as skinny-fat, which I love by the way.

It may be difficult to cook healthy when you're cooking for such a small family but where there's a will there's a way, and I apparently have lacked said will thus far. I am motivated to change my ways!
Being a single parent with a toddler and no support system in the realm of family near by, it's difficult trying to get out and exercise. If I had it my way I would go hit the gym, or go for a jog, but with a toddler in tow this is not a simple task.
It is very difficult to motivate yourself to exercise to a fitness DVD in the comfort of you own living room...trust me, I know. These Pilate's DVDs have been sitting atop my TV set for months and it bores me just to look at them.
I initially put them out thinking, 'OK if they're sitting up there then I'll remember this is something I need to do habitually'. This sounds good in theory doesn't it? In reality I am reminded daily of my laziness and failure to cooperate with my own hair brained scheme. I can't even trick myself to exercise!
I've been counting calories for the last few weeks now, as well as being very aware of my muscles when walking, climbing stairs...just any mundane day to day activity, and believe it or not but I've seen some results. Maybe all I really needed to do is become conscious of it, who knows...guess it's worth a try, eh?

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Hi, my name is

Hi all, my name is Miranda. I am a single mother of a busy two year old who is full of wonderment. I am a virgin blogger, but excited as hell! I work the 9-5 at a job that pays the bills, but doesn't do much to stimulate any passion in me.

This is my online journal.

My goal is to both inspire myself and my readers to look at daily life with a brighter perspective, and strive to demand the very best of it. We all have so much potential...I mean, I can't speak for anyone else, but I allow the day to day to bog me down when deep down I know it's all trivial.

But first some background....let us go to the dark side...

Like everyone, I have my flaws. I have a short circuit, I am a smoker, I don't exercise, I don't eat right, maybe I take one too many short cuts with my daughter, It's hard for me to think before I blurt out a completely rude or offensive comment(mostly just trying to be funny, but it's mostly not funny), failure to see the good in bad situations, and utter immaturity.

Sometimes it helps to identify them...sometimes it just pisses me off even more.

In a journal you're to be honest, and as much as this may hurt me now, I must get out that I resented(*past-tense!) my position as a single parent for longer than I care to admit.

Prior to finding out I was pregnant I was pretty heavy into drugs and drinking. I had been separated from my parents and supporting myself since I was 16 and was basically just an out of control teenager, minus the parental guidance. I waitressed and bar tended as well as a slew of other misc jobs. I had a nasty mean streak and I refused to open myself up to anyone. I definitely was not interested in having a child...like EVER. I just didn't get what all the hype was about. I had no ambitions except to survive and alter my state of consciousness as much as humanly possible. The only thing I held in my confidences was my journal. Through thick and thin, writing has always been there for me.

I have been single since I was about 2 months pregnant, at which time I fled a poisonous relationship with my daughter's father after two years of enduring his violent wrath and crazed psychic babbling about 'magical powers'. Ahem, yea.

I was 20 years old, fat and pregnant, alone and scared shitless. I blamed everyone else for my situation, and would throw my hands up to curse a God I swore I didn't believe in. I refused to take any responsibility and most certainly would not view my circumstances as a good thing. I just knew I would f*ck my child up even better than my parents did me.

The moment I laid eyes on her for the first time I swam in tears for so long the nurse actually asked me if I was OK. The Dr. interjected "leave her be, she's just happy", but in reality I felt that this beautiful purely innocent soul deserved better. All the chances, all the love. She deserves a perfect life. The weight of my needs to provide all that this pure souls deserves, the weight of my promise to myself to protect her from everything evil to protect her from the world. The strongest most purest and overbearing love I never knew I could feel overcame me. Yet a conflict also growing strong within me that I will fail this little soul. I don't have what it takes to be all that she deserves. That having me for her mother will somehow taint all that is beautiful and pure in her.

The emotions running through me that day really cannot be describes in words, but I've done my best, so work with me.

Long story short, my daughter has changed me. For better or worse I am a mommy. A hero in the eyes of one blond haired blue eyed little girl. I do not take this lightly, but as gracefully and honorable as possible.

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Independence

What does independence day mean to you? Historically it is the anniversary of our break from the British some 230yrs ago. The birthdate of the first signature on the Declaration of Independence. To date I think some still feel the patriotic ring of the holiday, but mostly we just blow stuff up to makes pretty lights in the sky.

It is too easy to take daily luxuries for granted in this day in age. The sense of entitlement we all feel toward simple things in life we feel we deserve; three square meals, warm soft beds, hot showers every morning. Appreciation is lost somewhere between the hustle bustle and daily stresses(more often than not imagined) of life. I know I have been the guiltiest of all at times. I know being 'thankful' is for Thanksgiving... however freedom(pending ones personal definition of freedom, that is) is near the top of my list of graditudes.

It's amazing to look back in history, all that we've acomplished as a country over the last 232 years....or even the last 100 years...hell, let's take the last 60-70 years. I think to myself, what if I lived back in the 40's and 50's....I'm am still a single mother flying solo with a young child and an absent father who provides no support(in any definition of the word). It would have been impossible to survive. Trying to find work, trying to find childcare, trying to pay for many necessities, trying to find moral/spiritual support.

****fastforward****

I try to count my blessing at least once a day. Yes, there are still many obstacles to over come as a young single mother. Yes there are a lot of obstacles to overcome no matter WHO you are. Yes, our country does have a lot of problems both morally and economically. Yes, life sucks sometimes. That's why we have fireworks, cook out's, and cocktails on the 4th of July!! Happy 4th y'all!!

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