only child...siblings...only child...siblings...

One of my favorite bloggers, Ms. Kristen D. over at WorkitMom recently had an interesting post about being a single mother of a toddler, and not really feeling like more kids are in the near future…which in turn causes guilt that your toddler has to play alone. This was a great read, as I think many people in many different circumstances can relate.

Me personally? I really didn’t want kids to begin with, so thinking about having another one in a timely enough fashion for a second child to be a playmate to my daughter is pretty much a laughing stock. Don’t get me wrong. Deep down, I think I would like to have another child one day…when I’m married, and financially stable, and have a 10-year-old daughter who changes diaper…maaaaybe.

I’m only twenty-three. I really don’t have my shit together. I love my daughter and I know I’ve done the right thing by leaving her dad. I know I’m making decisions based on what’s best for her, and honestly doing the best I know how, but I am NOT ready for another child. Even if I find myself in a loving relationship that I can see going somewhere, I still cannot see myself having another child anytime soon. Am I being unfair to Nevaeh? I don’t think so. I think that due to circumstance I am in no position to live up to the American dream of having all your kids at once, so they grow up as friends. Getting ‘em all out there so your childbearing years are behind you with nothing but retirement left to look forward to.

Reading Kristen’s post did make me think though. I mean, the way my daughter will grown up is really and truly in my hands alone…only child…. sibling…. only child…. sibling. The kicker is this. I have a sister who is just 19 months younger than me and we went through that whole sibling rivalry thing, but ultimately we turned out to be best friends. Don’t get me wrong there were many a time during my youth that I wished and hoped and prayed to be an only child, but in the long run I’m so grateful I have a sister close to my age. So with the knowledge of sisterhood, is it truly selfish for me to blatantly deny my daughter any hope of having a sibling close in age? Maybe, but I’m still doing it.