Hi, my name is

Hi all, my name is Miranda. I am a single mother of a busy two year old who is full of wonderment. I am a virgin blogger, but excited as hell! I work the 9-5 at a job that pays the bills, but doesn't do much to stimulate any passion in me.

This is my online journal.

My goal is to both inspire myself and my readers to look at daily life with a brighter perspective, and strive to demand the very best of it. We all have so much potential...I mean, I can't speak for anyone else, but I allow the day to day to bog me down when deep down I know it's all trivial.

But first some background....let us go to the dark side...

Like everyone, I have my flaws. I have a short circuit, I am a smoker, I don't exercise, I don't eat right, maybe I take one too many short cuts with my daughter, It's hard for me to think before I blurt out a completely rude or offensive comment(mostly just trying to be funny, but it's mostly not funny), failure to see the good in bad situations, and utter immaturity.

Sometimes it helps to identify them...sometimes it just pisses me off even more.

In a journal you're to be honest, and as much as this may hurt me now, I must get out that I resented(*past-tense!) my position as a single parent for longer than I care to admit.

Prior to finding out I was pregnant I was pretty heavy into drugs and drinking. I had been separated from my parents and supporting myself since I was 16 and was basically just an out of control teenager, minus the parental guidance. I waitressed and bar tended as well as a slew of other misc jobs. I had a nasty mean streak and I refused to open myself up to anyone. I definitely was not interested in having a child...like EVER. I just didn't get what all the hype was about. I had no ambitions except to survive and alter my state of consciousness as much as humanly possible. The only thing I held in my confidences was my journal. Through thick and thin, writing has always been there for me.

I have been single since I was about 2 months pregnant, at which time I fled a poisonous relationship with my daughter's father after two years of enduring his violent wrath and crazed psychic babbling about 'magical powers'. Ahem, yea.

I was 20 years old, fat and pregnant, alone and scared shitless. I blamed everyone else for my situation, and would throw my hands up to curse a God I swore I didn't believe in. I refused to take any responsibility and most certainly would not view my circumstances as a good thing. I just knew I would f*ck my child up even better than my parents did me.

The moment I laid eyes on her for the first time I swam in tears for so long the nurse actually asked me if I was OK. The Dr. interjected "leave her be, she's just happy", but in reality I felt that this beautiful purely innocent soul deserved better. All the chances, all the love. She deserves a perfect life. The weight of my needs to provide all that this pure souls deserves, the weight of my promise to myself to protect her from everything evil to protect her from the world. The strongest most purest and overbearing love I never knew I could feel overcame me. Yet a conflict also growing strong within me that I will fail this little soul. I don't have what it takes to be all that she deserves. That having me for her mother will somehow taint all that is beautiful and pure in her.

The emotions running through me that day really cannot be describes in words, but I've done my best, so work with me.

Long story short, my daughter has changed me. For better or worse I am a mommy. A hero in the eyes of one blond haired blue eyed little girl. I do not take this lightly, but as gracefully and honorable as possible.