A life in training

So many questions I ask myself, and all I hear is crickets. When will logic take over my rebellious emotions? Why does every conflict feel like the end of the world, when they always pass softly and without incident? Why can’t I see the life ahead of me? Does the truth escape me because I refuse to let it be? What happened to my love for life? My wonderment? My inner child banished but yearning to show me luminosity once again. Where is she? I miss her dearly.

I find more often than not I have a movie playing in my head. It’s just little snippets of my own life, new and improved. A scene of me in top physical condition, with a deep craving for food that will fuel and nourish my body as opposed to the fattening cheeseburgers I crave now. A scene of me feeling a natural high after pushing my body to its physical limits in a strenuous work out as opposed to the laziness I feel now. A scene of my caring too much about my health to smoke or drink, instead of my current complete lack of regard for my body now. A scene of my daughter and I playing and frolicking, truly bonding as mother and daughter should, as opposed to the constant fog I’m lost in; just try to get through the day to day without really thinking to much about the precious moment to moment. Am I the only one who feels like this?

Does everyone constantly re-evaluate themselves and their lives? Does everyone have this picture playing in their head ofwhat and who they should be, and how their life should unfold? Does everyone attempt to psycho analyze themselves like I do? Does everyone want to be better as much as I do; so much that self-reflection has been replaced by madness? Does everyone else feel like they’re going in circles like I do? Does anyone else feel that there needs to be a breaking point? A point where everything clicks and you finally have the will, the way and the courage to be all that you can be? Is it just me?