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Miranda Writes

LOL! So cheesy, but cool!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Peace be with me

I’ve been trying to get some motivation lately. I feel like I’ve let myself fall by the wayside. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve been reviewing some past entries. Since we’re embarking on a New Year, I first went back to last New Year to try and do a comparison. I seemed to have a lot better grip on myself back then. Now I feel like I just need to take a break from my life and everyone in it and just reconnect with myself. The problem is, I have no idea how to do that.


Anyone on the outside would look at me today and me a year ago and see that I have so much more going for me now. I’ve maintained a stable job that I love, I have a great new place and a boyfriend I can actually see a possible future with (which is a miracle if you read my ‘I can see a loser coming’ post). I just don’t know what it is. What is my problem? Am I crazy? Going crazy?

Reading my blog from last January made me realize how much control I felt like I had. I had goals that I was working towards, I analyzed my budget, and I just new I controlled things in my house and in my life. Now, I feel out of control most of the time. I feel like I can’t control anything, not even my thoughts and feelings. I don’t like it. If fact, I hate it!

Oddly enough, in reading back over the last couple year, another thing I noticed is my writing style. For some reason I feel like it’s just gone downhill. It's listless. Am I no longer inspired the way I used to be? Is what I’m feeling in my heart no longer able to transcend to written words? I don’t feel like myself anymore. I just don’t.

In my time travel adventure through my blog I stumbled across a post of from July 13th, 2008. It sort of describes how I’m feeling now, and also reminds me that I’ve been down before and have gotten back up. Enjoy.

“So many questions I ask myself, and all I hear is crickets. When will logic take over my rebellious emotions? Why does every conflict feel like the end of the world, when they always pass softly and without incident? Why can’t I see the life ahead of me? Does the truth escape me because I refuse to let it be? What happened to my love for life? My wonderment? My inner child banished but yearning to show me luminosity once again. Where is she? I miss her dearly.

I find more often than not I have a movie playing in my head. It’s just little snippets of my own life, new and improved. A scene of me in top physical condition, with a deep craving for food that will fuel and nourish my body as opposed to the fattening cheeseburgers I crave now. A scene of me feeling a natural high after pushing my body to its physical limits in a strenuous work out as opposed to the laziness I feel now. A scene of me caring too much about my health to smoke or drink instead of my complete lack of regard for my body now. A scene of my daughter and I playing and frolicking, truly bonding as mother and daughter should, as opposed to the constant fog I’m lost in; just try to get through the day to day without really thinking too much about the precious moment to moment. Am I the only one who feels like this?

Does everyone constantly evaluate themselves and their lives? Does everyone have this picture playing in their head of what and who they should be, and how their life should unfold? Conflicted at every turn? Does everyone attempt to psycho analyze themselves like I do? Does everyone want to be better as much as I do; so much that self-reflection has been replaced with madness? Does everyone else feel like they’re going in circles like I do? Does anyone else feel that there needs to be a breaking point? A point where everything clicks and you finally have the will, the way and the courage to be all that you can be? Is it just me?”


Hmmmm… maybe I am crazy.

1 Comments:

At August 22, 2011 at 10:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your an amazing writer Miranda! And I think that you should write a book about a fake family base it on your own and start from what your new beginning was, like your new boy friend and stopping smoking and other things and how the 'mom' feels I think you could get it published!

 

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