Parenting 101

One question that constantly burns within me is this: Do I have the tools to be a good, effective parent? Meaning, am I capable of rearing a well-rounded functional and productive little person into adulthood? This is an important one. Raising a child is difficult. There are so many factors and circumstance and trying to keep your own head on straight. Right and wrong becomes a fine (almost invisible) line when faces with a seemingly crazed child. I recently came across an article. Couldn’t tell you where who or what, but it was fascinating none the less. It was basically 8 guidelines for successful parenting (actually 8 things NOT to do) and I would like to share!

One thing that is consistent within the entire article is the importance of praise. It may be one of the most important tools a parent can possess. Kids will tune out yelling and reasoning, but a genuine compliment or positive observation of behavior moves mountains! There are three main keys to sincere praise. I added the forth as overkill to drill the point home.
1.) Praise sincerely, with the effusiveness of a lotto winner!
2.) Say exactly what the child did RIGHT!
3.) Finish with affection of some kind; hugs, kisses, a pat on the back.
4.) Kids can tell if you’re not sincere so don’t push a default compliment off on them…they’ll know it!

On the flip side there are several more things you can do wrong. These are the big mommy no-nos.
1.) Failure to set limits- Limits are a must; reasonable limits but that which are enforced and indestructible. That means no caving people! A good way to look at this is choices. Give you child the options to make their own decision. Provide two choices both of which you approve. Also going along with this is making sure bad behavior (toddler tantrums) isn’t just a plea for attention. Kids need attention! They aren’t meant to be background décor!
2.) Tendency to overprotect- I am a guilty party to this. Parents have a tendency to jump in too quickly. To try and shield there children from any kind of harm, or wrong doing. This could be more debilitating than helpful. What this actually tells your child is that you don’t think they are capable of handling it. Kids need to experience natural consequences for their actions whenever possible.
3.) Us parents nag, lecture, repeat and yell- Don’t waste your time or patience on repeated command because it’s human nature to respond to these things by tuning them out. Yelling may get some attention however your child will ultimately mimic this behavior. Nagging is a form of negative reinforcement…in other words an incentive to keep misbehaving. You’re teaching them how to get your attention.
4.) Praising too much, and badly- Basically just mean what you say people. Be engaged. Your child is a little person whose social skills and self-esteem are growing every day. Pay attention and give praise that is heart felt. Try to stay away from praise that generalize you child “your special”, “your smart”, this may create a situation where your child believe that’s what they are, they do not need to work for a good test score or whatever the case may be. These children make less effort and have a harder time dealing with failure. Probably just stick to “ I love you” as an endearing praise.
5.) Punishing too harshly- Spanking…very controversial. Where is the line when punishment becomes less about ‘teaching’ your child and more about ‘payback’. Findings are as follows; discipline works best when it’s immediate, mild and brief. It can then be associated with the unacceptable behavior while avoiding anger and resentment from your child. Time outs are my personal favorite. A time out should last in minutes as old as your child is in years. Once a child has outgrown time out’s (teenagers!!!!) punishment shouldn’t last more than a day. This is for the same reason as younger kids. Instead of teaching, you are putting wedges in relationship, which ultimately hurts everyone. Whenever possible consequences should be directly related to the transgression. Examples: fixing something they broke, not using the car because they haven’t put gas in it, ect. Try to allow the natural consequences of your child’s actions to flow whenever possible.
6.) Telling you child how to feel- Empathy for people leads the list of qualities people need to successfully handle relationships at school, work and in a family. Children need to think about their feelings affecting what they do and affecting other people feelings. This is what will inhibit a child from hurting others either physically or emotionally. When you tell your child “don’t cry” or “you’re fine” you deny your child the chance to learn those lessons. Practice being empathetic with your child. They will learn by example.
7.) Putting grades ahead of creativity- encourage your children to think creatively, because ultimately life isn’t about being able to answer all the questions, but rather asking the right questions. You can help your child fine tune this by asking open-ended questions.
8.) Forgetting to have fun- Laugh often. No matter how old, laugh together, and do it often. Plan activities. Super glue that family unit early.

I don’t know about you, but I took a tremendous amount from the information in that article. It’s easy to get lost in the day to day. I know me, personal, I often find myself forgetting that I have a little person who’s morphing into a kid, then an adult. She can’t be expected to listen to orders all day, and oblige like a dog. She a person just like me. All kids are. Best of luck