ascendancy - morphing into mommy

You know that feeling when it’s like you’ve been treading water for eternity. When you feel that you’ve drudgingly been shuffling through a pitch-black tunnel with no end in sight. You’re just so tired. There is nothing new or exciting to look forward to. Just your meaningless life…the same everyday and destined to be the same until the end of time. You try, but you cannot see beyond the darkness.
When everything seems so wrong and you can’t find your way. You can’t see any other way but despair, what do you do? When you can barely breath. When you can barely define hope let alone feel it. When possibilities seem more like a fairytale than a fact of life.
And then, something smacks you in the face and you don’t know whether to laugh because something new has happened, something different and potentially exciting, or cry because you meaningless existence has reached a new low.
Then a feeling overwhelms you, but you can’t put you finger on it. A feeling that fills you with light and butterflies. Hope.
I have reached rock bottom (or what I felt at the time was rock bottom) several times in my young life. I’ve had no hope, no ambitions and felt that life had nothing good to offer me. That’s a heavy load for a person who has only lived a fraction of their life.
I felt sorry for myself all the time and I felt I was not capable of seeing anything worth living for, ever. I was stuck in my miserable way of thinking, and I saw no escape.
Looking back it was pretty damn pathetic. I was pretty damn pathetic. I was so good at blaming others for my miserable life. I refused to take any responsibility. I blamed my parents, my circumstance (which I had convinced my self I had no control of), but I never looked within. I blamed everyone and everything except the one person that was to blame. Myself.
I expected bad things to such an extent that I actually was the key player in creating them. Almost as if it was some sick form of satisfaction to believe bad things would happen to me and be right! I used to believe with all of my being that I wouldn’t make it to the age of 18…. then the age of 21. I saw no future. I saw nothing. I felt I was nothing. I hurt everyone around me because I wanted them to feel how I felt inside. I wanted to bring everyone down with me to try and cure the desperate loneliness. I didn’t think anything would snap back into place for me, ever.
I feel it’s very important I illustrate the person I was pre-mommy, because that person no longer exists. She is dead to me and hopefully to the world, but still a lesson remains in her.
I think back to the miserable person I used to be and it feels like dream. I think about the way that I am now, and the way I insist on always trying to better and better, and I know the person I was would never ever in a million years believe the things I’ve been through and done. The difficult decisions I’ve made to protect the best interest of my mini family. She would probably throw rocks at me and call me a buzz kill.
I truly believe that if you reach within yourself and try to see the beauty that is life, you can. It’s not difficult if you really want to see it. Possibilities really are endless, and this is not just some generic motivational line. This is not just another form of psychobabble bullshit. This is life my friend. This is the existence we all live in. Anything can happen at any time, and I am living proof of this.
When I found out I was pregnant I just wanted to die. I cursed the innocent life living inside me. This is the slap in the face I was referring to. My entire pregnancy was miserable (by my own will) and I had nothing good to say about being a soon to be mom. I had no job, no money, no place to live, no father figure for my child, and I just didn’t want a kid.
I can see now I was very fortunate. I was given a child. A child chose me to be her everything. She gave me meaning and purpose. These things would have taken me years of mistakes and hardship to find, if I ever were to find them. She saved me.
She provided me with the courage I needed to stand up and take back the control I had lost. Through the wisdom in her eyes I found the power within myself to set goals for my daughter and myself and meet them over and over. I was given the courage to build myself up from the ground. To rise above the negativity I had surrounded myself with.
Following the birth of my daughter I started school, I got a good paying job, I bought a brand new car, I began to sort through all the unhealthy feelings that was my evil self. I have since moved out of my mother’s house and set up shop in a very nice area in central WI. I have my own apartment, a good job, and am very happy in my cozy little life.
I have opted to stay single until I find a partner worthy of all that I stand for and all that I want for my daughter and myself. So far, I cannot say that I’ve seen any potential, but this mama is not settling. I have found happiness in being single. I am my own boss, I spend my time and money how I choose, and I raise my daughter the way I feel is right.
I find that everyday is a new adventure. Anything that I’ve wanted to see in myself or wanted to have for myself has come to pass either by me setting and achieving my goals or by sheer happenstance. I dream of what I need and by way of what seems like a miracle, possibilities and opportunities manifest without any explanation. If it’s all just a beautiful lie, may I remain ignorant please?


There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving... and that's your own self.
Aldous Huxley