Body, Mind, Spirit-PART I

Everyone has their good day and their bad days, their good experiences and their bad ones. You have good thoughts and bad, good intentions and bad. The glass in half full/empty, ect. We stress about how to be better, or don’t think much about it at all and concentrate more on how others around us should be better. We lose ourselves in thoughts, we kill ourselves with thoughts, and we judge others and ourselves with thoughts. So, what is it that defines us then? And, what do we need to do to bridge the gap between our desired selves and who we actually are. Is it the decisions and actions we choose daily?

I know one of my biggest regrets, something I kicked myself about daily, is my lack of patience with my daughter. I mean, I know there are kids all over the world who have it worse than my daughter. I don’t abuse her physically, or neglect her. All her needs are met and I love her dearly. It’s just this patience thing. I think an even bigger way of considering it is peace of mind. I don’t have it and I need it desperately. This is going to sound so God awful, but this is my online journal, and what would be the point if I sugar coat?

Sometimes when she really gets in her fussy, crabby, snotty little girl moods, I swear to God if I have to hear another minute of her nails on a chalks board screeching and whining I’ll gouge my eyeballs out. I’ll pull every last hair out of my head! I swear if I have to wake up another morning and fight her tooth and nail just to get her diaper changed and get her dressed, if I have to feel this life that I CREATED kicking the shit out of me while I try to change her shit diaper. If I have to hear her begging for her god damned pacifier for another second…. Ok, you get the picture. I’m not proud of my lack of coping, but it’s there.

I can see the error of my ways. I need to teach my daughter that we talk we don’t yell or whine, but I myself cannot follow these simple guidelines. God, I really piss myself off sometimes.

The last few days I’ve been making a point to stop what I’m doing whenever Nevaeh gets in baby fit mode and I come down to her level and look her directly in the eyes. I talk to her in a calm and even voice and ask her what she needs. If she continues to whine I tell her (calmly and evenly) that she needs to calm down, and ask her again to tell me what she needs in a nice girl voice.

This works!

But being a single mother has its challenges too. After a long day at work, and a few random stress factors outside of work, sometimes I just don’t have the patience to go through all that jazz. Stop what I’m doing, kneel down to her level and talk her through he emotional outburst. If I get too frustrated and I need a break, I don’t have that option like two parents households do. I can’t pawn her off on my husband so I can go for a walk and cool down. When I’m with her, I’m with her. No exceptions. I’ve tried locking myself in the bathroom to cool down when I really feel like I’ve had enough, and she follows me to the door and screams and pounds on the door. There is no break for me…. well, except work, but hell that’s no break!

I am one who is stuck in thinking mode. I over think. I think instead of act. I yell and get frustrated with my daughter, then think a lot about how guilty I feel and how I wish I would have handles things differently. It’s a vicious cycle. I think about how I teach her every day how to handle stress and anger and frustration, and what a shitty job I’m doing so far. I think about all the ways I want to be better, and what I would do as a ‘perfect’ mother. Why can’t I just stop thinking for a minute and just do what’s right? Do what makes me feel like a success as a parent and a person rather than a failure.
Sometimes I think I’m not motivated enough to change. Sometimes I’m really really good at justifying the way I am and the things I say and do. ‘I’m a single mother god dammit! I have to do everything myself! I have a lot on my plate! Nobody could be expected to deal with as much as I do and keep a level head, or any sort of peace of mind!’ But somehow, this mind set is less than empowering. I know I’m better than that. So what gives?