My life: passion vs. drive

My last post was 76 days ago.
I was given a piece of blogging advice once upon a time by a blogger, who’s blog I used to followed religiously. He said that one simply key to acquiring followers is to make sure you keep your posts consistent, whether it be once a day, once a week, etc. That, if I’m serious about writing things and wanting people to read them then I need to make that commitment.
This is not something I have been successful with. Hence, my only following (if any of you are still out there) are my family members, namely my dad and my grandma. I do not believe this is the only reason for my small (but very important and appreciated) following. I think that there is a driving force that comes from within that is required while going after and accomplishing a goal. My force seems to be hibernating.
My main passion in life, since as far back as I can remember, has been writing. This is the thing I engage in daily whether I am acting as producer (writing something) or spectator (reading something). I do it because it makes me happy and it makes me feel like myself. It helps me express myself and keeps me sharp. Who knows why this is the thing I am most passionate about? I remember scribbling on paper as a young child not even old enough to write a word just because I loved the way blank paper looked and loved the way I could fill that paper with my creation (my imagination was drafting a letter, news article, etc).
The above mentioned truths about me are a constant. These things have never changed. It may have been 76 days ago that I last posted here, but I write every single day. I have notebooks filled with nonsense to prove it. I write because it makes me feel like I’m keeping my mind uncluttered. I write to make sense of things. I write to pat myself on the back. I write to smack myself upside the head. I write to organize my flaws, goals and experiences. I write out of sheer enjoyment. I write to create new idea and to solidify old ideas. I write to expand my knowledge and understanding of the world at large. I write sometimes with no other goal, rhyme or reason other than to put pen to paper and create something tangible from my brain waves. Nerdy? Absolutely!
So all that hullabaloo I just wrote boils down to one thought. I have the passion… where is my drive? Maybe I’m afraid of failure? I don’t know, I don’t think it’s that. I will always have writing whether others validate me or not. Maybe a part of me is afraid of turning a hobby (more like an obsession) into something more. Because what will I have if a hobby becomes a job? Will it still feel like something I enjoy doing or will it feel like a chore?
I fantasize about continuing to work my day job, and utilizing my time in the evenings (currently, its spent half brain dead in front of the television) to work on my blog, and really put the time and effort and research into it. To expand my horizons by finding ways to make my obsession with words profitable to me. These days the Internet possibilities available to me are endless. I think with drive anything is possible and this is what I am lacking. I have a very bad habit of telling myself ‘when this happens, I’ll do it’. Or ‘after this time period’ or ‘once I’ve jumped this hurtle’ and what I have been failing to recognize is, life is too short for lame ass excuses. Life is too short to not be making the most of right now and ever day henceforth.
I think that life is about trying to be as happy and filled with love as you can…and to spread it around as much as possible. And we all can! It’s a choice. Period. It is enjoying every moment and appreciating every blessing and understanding that life is the opposite of static. Life, in all its forms, is constantly moving and changing. And I believe that the constant movement of life never ends. Not even in death. We may not be able to fully understand the deeply real and beautiful truth of ‘never ends’ but with that in mind, I guess life is good. And I guess that’s how this post ends. **shrug**

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