ENOUGH

I have made a very hard decision recently. It is very much not of my character to rationalize the way I have decided to do, but I've done it and am very proud for my maturity and presence of mind.

I have decided to wash my hands of the child support situation. My sperm donor will pay support, regardless of how meager and I will be satisfied and grateful of that amount no matter how much I feel it unfair or based in untruths.

I will no longer let the things I cannot control, control my mood, stress level and emotions. I will always remember all that I have to be thankful for.

My health and youth, my healthy and wonderful, smart,sensitively and snugly daughter, my job which allows me to have everything I need and some of what I want, my vehicle which allows me to get where I must and which I trust to be reliable to road trip it for leisurely purposes. My family and friends. Last but not least, I am thankful for endless possibilities; the chance and choice to make my life exactly what I want it to be and plenty of time to mold it.

I have also resolve to live my life with no regrets. To make an effort to mend the choices I've made in the past in which the consequences still remain to this day. I want to be able to say that I at least tried, even if I cannot be forgiven. Even if I cannot make people see things for what they really are. For the sake of my daughter, I tried.

That being said, this is my mindset. I have forgiven the sperm donor for everything that he's done, for all the lies and manipulation, and for turning his own back and assisting in making sure his family's back is turned on an innocent child who deserves all the love in the world. I have forgiven him and in my own heart there is a truce. Life is too short to be mad all the time. So much good passes you by when you're caught up in negativity that you cannot control. I won't miss anymore opportunities to live happily ever after with my daughter.

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Vaeh's Song

You're everything That's why I cling to you When I emerge My thoughts converge to you To you The world is so small Compared to you And everybody's wrong Compared to you To you I begin to see through your eyes All the former mysteries are no surprise So now, you listen Cuz I'm omniscient Hey look at me lady I'm just a little baby You're lucky to have me I'm cute and sweet as candy As charming as a fable I'm innocent and disabled So hug me and kiss me Then wipe my butt and piss me I hope you never leave Cuz who would hear me scream? Nobody understands Except the toys in my hands So now you listen Cuz I'm omniscient Hey look at me lady I'm just a little baby If I smile, then you smile Then I'll get mad for awhile I melt in your mouth And in your hands whenever I can But I really do nothing Except kickin' and fussin' I like to make a mess I laugh at your distress I sit all day in my crib Absorbing all you give I'm helpless I'm flawless I'm a machine Give me, I need my toys... Keep me hot Keep me strong Keep me everlong So now you listen Cuz I'm omniscient

-faith no more- zombie eater

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The verge of a breakdown

I have been in limbo with the whole court deal regarding support for my daughter. I just want to understand what I need to do to get what's fair. A child support order based on the CORRECT income of the sperm donor(which btw is a psychic(a boogie boogie!) working for cash) and back child support from the day my daughter was born. This is what's right. This is what's fair.
I cannot afford a lawyer and since the case is being handled in a totally different state then where my daughter and I reside I can't get assistance for a lawyer. I am told that because I don't have representation and the sperm donor does I have to respond to any form or any information his lawyer requests of me, however I do not have the right to the same information from the sperm donor. Every court document since the beginning of this mess, I've had to obtain by calling the clerks office and paying for copies.
I have no state currently handling my case, I have no attorney. I have no person or party that will provide me with any of the infomation I need. I've never been through anything like this before so I don't know what to expect or what is expected of me. I am so frusterated I can't even see straight. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do at this point. If I do nothing it looks like I not cooperating and I obviously am not interested in support. I need to do something, take some sort of action. Play some kind of role in this but what?
Nevaeh is already without a father figure...I've slowly grown to accept that, but I refuse to roll over and allow the sperm donor to get away with not providing the full support that my daughter deserves. I refuse!

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A metaphor

She fell for him like her heart was a mob informant, and he was the East River.

=) for jeffypoops

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So far so good

Okay, so I didn't actually go for a walk last night, but I did scope out some surrounding neighborhood and there is some walking room. I just have to get past a stretch of sidewalk-less road with Nevaeh to get to it, but it's doable.

I had zero beers last night, which I wouldn't even consider a big deal cuz, ya know, my baby's a trip so I was distracted.

So far so good. I think exercising needs to be done, just gotta find the motivation to do it. I have Pilate's and an exercise ball, I can go walking and stuff. Shit man! I have a two year old! How hard can it be to find stuff to get me moving?

Oh well, it's only been a day but so far so good. I'm going to try to surround myself with some get up and go friends, hopefully that will help me get moving!

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A beautiful lie

Lie awake in bed at night And think about your life Do you want to be different? Try to let go of the truth The battles of your youth 'Cause this is just a game [Chorus:]It's a beautiful lie It's the perfect denial Such a beautiful lie to believe in So beautiful, beautiful it makes me It's time to forget about the past To wash away what happened last Hide behind an empty face Don't ask too much, just say 'Cause this is just a game [Chorus] (Oh OhThe end of the world) Everyone's looking at me I'm running around in circles, baby A quiet desperation's building higher I've got to remember this is just a game(So beautiful, beautiful It's a beautiful lie So beautiful, beautiful It's a beautiful lie So beautiful, beautiful...)

-30 Seconds to Mars

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The Kill

What if I wanted to break Laugh it all off in your face What would you do? (Oh, oh)What if I fell to the floor Couldn't take all this anymore What would you do, do, do? Come break me down Bury me, bury me I am finished with you What if I wanted to fight Beg for the rest of my life What would you do? You say you wanted more What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you (from you) Come break me down Bury me, bury me I am finished with you Look in my eyes You're killing me, killing me All I wanted was you I tried to be someone else But nothing seemed to change I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself Fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am. Ah, ahOh, ohAh, ah Come break me down Bury me, bury me I am finished with you, you, you. Look in my eyes You're killing me, killing me All I wanted was you Come break me down (bury me, bury me) Break me down (bury me, bury me) Break me down (bury me, bury me)(You say you wanted more) What if I wanted to break...?(What are you waiting for?) Bury me, bury me(I'm not running from you)What if I

-30 Seconds to Mars

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plan of action

Okay, so I’ve been thinking…. a few short weeks of some strong will power, and a few good ideas on manageable activities and I should be good to go. Smoking is going to be tougher, I’ve already accepted that, but the whole lazy beer phase I’ve found myself in is a newbie and I have a feeling it can be slain with ease. I’m trying to logic that the beer is partially (ok, mostly) responsible for the excess in empty calories, so hello, no brainer. Win-win, two birds with one stone and all that jazz.

I’ve wanted to get into the habit of walking after dinner, but have always managed to justify why I can’t. For one I live in an apartment building next to a semi busy road with no sidewalks. Another is I can’t bring myself to load myself and my daughter into the car, burn some gas in order to drive to a place where we can then walk. However, I have not really explored the surrounding neighborhood to see if there is a safer place to walk near by. I could do this easily on my way home from work.

To recap, stop buying beer and start walking more.

I’ve been…I’ll say, hefty in the past and somehow lost tons of weight in a short period of time. The first time being when I was about 18. At that time I blamed the depo shot (injectable contraceptive) when I lost all the weight. I just didn’t feel like eating, period and the shot seemed to be the only thing that was different.

The second time being when I was 20. This was right after I had my daughter. Well, there was this guy I had the hots for at my work. I desperately needed him to notice me as something besides the big fat pregnant co-worker I had been. And it worked…yay me! But I still can’t draw any real conclusions.

So to be on the safe side I started back up on the Depo-Provera shot and I’ve found a cute boy to crush on. =D

We’ll see what happens.
**Btw-I do realize that a birth control shot and puppy love is no substitution for a proper diet and exercise and I should consult my physician before starting blah blah blah blah! Thank you and goodnight.

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an extension of patience

It gets easier and easier to keep my patience in check and keep things in perspective, but I still have a lot of bad habits I want to change. I’m not all around lazy, but I do have tendencies to be lazy. To just lay around and let my life pass me by.

I need to quit smoking and I think I let having a few beers after work settle cozily in my after work routine.

I lost all my baby weight within months of having my daughter, and kept it off for over a year…and now within the last 6 months I’ve managed to pack on an extra 20lbs.

How does this even happen? I don’t even have ‘I had a baby’ as an excuse anymore.

Yet, I keep stuffing my face like I’m some 12 year old with the metabolism of a super hero, and sitting on my ass in front of the TV all night drinking beer like al bundy. I’ve even done the hand in pants move…and it’s damn comfy!

I feel like I’m allowing it to be all the same. I justify everything I do…’I’m stressed’ or ‘I earned it’…. but really, it all boils down to habit. I remember a time when I had no desire what so ever to drink beer or smoke a cigarette…I just didn’t get the hype.

That mind set still exists somewhere doesn’t it? Beer is gross, cigs are gross, I’m happiest when I’m healthiest and all that jazz… yet I continue in the same direction.

It’s frustrating.

What happened to self-control? I know it’s in there somewhere! I don’t want to be a smoker; I don’t want to be a ‘have a beer or two every night to wind down’ type of gal.

I don’t want to be a lazy chunker who will always be just a little over weight cuz I don’t care enough about how I look to change my habits.

Regarding the weight (cuz that’s my main concern, I know it shouldn’t be, but whateva, I was skinny 6 months ago!) It’s not that hard to NOT sit around and eat all the time, or sit around and drink beer all the time or to feel motivated to get off my ass and do something.

I am just making it harder by thinking about how I’m failing myself all the time. I even kept a food journal for the entire month of July, and that just made me feel like even more of a failure when every other day was Chinese king buffet, pizza hut, burger king, culvers, then I’d write in big letters BAD MIRANDA! When in reality I’m just making it a bigger issue that it should be.

I should be able to eat whatever I want as long as I’m active right? I’m young enough to where it shouldn’t be that hard for me to drop some poundage and look all sexy again right?

Well, whatever. I won’t get down on myself over it. I’ve made it known that these are bad habits that must be changed. The first step is getting the issues on the table right? Here they are. Now what will I do next?

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Lithium

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.Oh, but God, I want to let it go.Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.Never wanted it to be so cold.Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.I can't hold on to me,Wonder what's wrong with me.Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.Don't want to let it lay me down this time.Drown my will to fly.Here in the darkness I know myself.Can't break free until I let it go.Let me go.Darling, I forgive you after all.Anything is better than to be alone.And in the end I guess I had to fall.Always find my place among the ashes.I can't hold on to me,Wonder what's wrong with me.Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium, ...stay in love with you.I'm gonna let it go.

-evanescence

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the fight for fair

I’ve been trying to get paternity established and get a child support order put into place with my daughter sperm donor since a few months after she was born. Almost two years now.

As soon as I had her social security number I filed.

It was (is) long and tedious for couple reason. At the time I lived in Illinois…. which…. hmmm, how do I say this nicely. There are an excess of minorities spreading their legs and having illigits left and right so needless to say the state has their hands full.

Also my sperm donor had decided to flee to Arizona to become a psychic! A boogie boogie boogie!!
So now not only am I relying on state assistance, but I’m part of an ‘inter-state case’ which is totally f*cked!

Now I’m at a crossroads. I live in Wisconsin, yet this case is currently being handled between Illinois and Arizona. Although a paternity order is in place and a support hearing is up and coming, I don't feel that either of these states feels the needs to provide me with any information pertaining to this case, and the sperm donor has an attorney.

I can allow this to continue to be handled in this fashion and risk being royally screwed because neither state really cares about the best interest of my child. And the enemy has the upper hand with a lawyer, which I don’t.
Or I can take the paternity result and use it as a starting point to change the venue to the county my daughter and I reside in, at which time I would have the upper hand because the case will be handled locally instead of in two states I am nowhere near. This is just what I thought anyway.

Doing the latter may cause this to be stalled even longer than the two years it already has been because Wisconsin is asking me for the sperm donor’s location in order to proceed in this venue, how the hell am I suppose to get that information? I just feel like nobody wants to help, nobody wants to do their job. It may turn out okay if I just let it be and let whatever happens happen, or I may end up getting f*cked up the @$$ w/ no Vaseline!

I spoke with a lawyer in Wisconsin who told me that it would make no sense for Wisconsin to handle this case because they can’t enforce anything if he lives in Arizona. He also said that I might not be entitled to back child support because the case wasn’t started in Arizona until 01/2008(this is how long it took Illinois to get the case started). I’m not ‘entitled’? No, I think I am ENTITLED; I’m just being screwed because I can’t afford a lawyer! I did everything I was suppose to do and because he managed to elude this whole thing for almost two years he is now alleviated of responsibility to pay an arrearage?

I love how justice works. It’s not me that’s being hurt. It’s my daughter’s money, she deserves it. She is the one that’s getting the short end of the stick on this one. I guess what’s right just doesn’t matter.
I just want to make the right choices. I don’t want to get screwed just because I don’t have a lawyer and I’m listening to people who don’t know what they’re talking about. I just want what’s right and fair. Does it really have to be this hard and stupid?

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soul to squeeze

I've got a bad disease But from my brain is where I bleed. Insanity it seems Has got me by my soul to squeeze. Well all the love from thee With all the dying trees I scream. The angels in my dreams (yeah) Have turned to demons of greed that's mean. Chorus: Where I go I just don't know I got to got to gotta take it slow. When I find my piece of mind I'm gonna give you some of my good time. Today love smiled on me. It took away my face say please All that you had to free You gotta let it be oh yeah. Chorus Oh, so polite indeed Well I got everything I need. Oh make my days a breeze And take away my self destruction. It's bitter baby, And it's very sweet. I'm on a rollercoaster, but I'm on my feet. Take me to the river, Let me on your shore. I'll be coming back baby, I'll be coming back for more. Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad I could not forget But I will not endeavor Simple pleasures aren't as special But I wont regret it never. Chorus Where I go I just don't know I might end up somewhere in Mexico. When I find my piece of mind I'm gonna keep you for the end of time.
-red hot chilli pepper

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