new years is right around the corner

Now that I’m feeling more secure and comfortable in my job I feel it’s time to start focusing on other avenues of life. I feel like I keep repeating the same things over and over, however if I’m making any progress at all the repetition is worth it. I’ve been trying to establish a routine with Nevaeh’s bedtime so she’s in bed at a decent time. We had a good routine going when I worked at United Health, but when I lost my job that all went down the tubes. I’ve been so flustered with trying to find my groove in this new job and spending time with my sweetheart that I haven’t gotten back into the bedtime groove with Nevaeh.
I’ve kind of been tentatively working on it the last couple nights but nothing strict has been put into place. I think I need to dumb it down and make myself a checklist.
1.)Bath
2.)PJ’s
3.)Brush teeth
4.)Potty
5.)Story
6.)Hug/Kiss
7.)Goodnight
8.)No excuses
Rules: bedtime routine starts at 7:30pm(with pj’s) to be in bed by 8pm. No drinks after dinner.
Lately I’ve been keeping track of all my calories in a food journal. It helping me to figure out exactly what I’m eating and how many calories I’m consuming. It also acts as a motivator because I know that if I slip up I’m going to record it and that’s when the guilt sets in. This is phase one of my lifestyle change and path to my new sexy body. Phase two starts after the New Year when I incorporate physical activity to my lifestyle. I don’t want to overwhelm myself so I decided to get a grip on the food aspect of it before I try and bring regular exercise into my life.
I’ve been talking a lot about trying new recipes and one thing that I really want to do is organize my recipes on my laptop so they are neat and easily accessible. Right now, while I’m trying to get a feel for eating less and better I won’t be focusing to much on new recipes but I would like to experiment once I have the whole ‘portion control’ thing down.
For the New Year I want to work more on my patience; with myself, with Matt, with Nevaeh. I guess what I’m trying to say is I want to be more patient in general. Life is too short and I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, because looking at the bigger picture, it’s all small stuff.
I also want to continue being healthier even once I meet my goal weight. Not only for myself but for Nevaeh too. And hopefully I will in turn motivate Matt to be healthier as well.
Of course, like every other year, I’d like to manage my money better. I want to open up a savings account for Nevaeh starting in January and put a couple hundred dollars in there a month. Also I need to start making regular deposits into my own savings account. I’d like to work on getting my credit cards paid off and not charging on them any more than what I can pay off in one month.
I would like to quit smoking, but with the weight loss thing at the very top of my list this year I am not making that a priority at this time. I’ve given up drinking due to the extreme amount of empty calories in alcohol and for now that’s as much as I’m willing to compromise.
In regards to Nevaeh, I would really like to do more activities with her. Even something as simple as going outside and playing in the snow. Now that I have Matt around it doesn’t have to be so tedious to go out and do things with her.
In regards to Matt, I would really like to be more affectionate, tender, loving. I am so happy and feel so lucky to be with him, but I have a very hard time showing it sometimes and I think he deserves to be reminded that he makes me happy more often.
So these are my new years resolutions. To recap:
Set the bedtime routine back in motion
Continue my food journal and incorporate exercise. Try new recipes
Be more patient
Manage my money better
Start saving account for Nevaeh
Start making regular deposits into my savings
Do more activities with Nevaeh
Make sure Matt always knows he makes me happy

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My Life

I sometimes wonder if everyone feels as chaotic as I do sometimes. It’s a weird feeling comparable to an obsessive compulsive having to have everything in it’s place and locking and unlocking the door three times just to feel at peace with life. I feel like if my apartment is clean and organized enough, or Nevaeh and I are perfectly compatible all the time or I never make any mistakes in my job, in my relationship or as a mother then I’ll have it all figured out. For some reason when there are enough little things going wrong I just feel like the world is coming to an end.
I feel like I should be doing something more with my life. Doing something more meaningful or adventurous or…just something! I feel like until I master the day in and day out to a tee, I’m not capable or deserving of exploring more of life. Or maybe that’s just my excuse because I’m too scared to explore more of life.
It kind of reminds me of an episode of friends where Monica’s credit card was stolen. When she saw all the cool things the thief was charging to her credit card she realized how dull her life was in comparison and furthermore that she could have been doing all the things the thief was doing. So she did. She took the tap lessons, enjoyed the Broadway shows and concerts, etc.
I know I’m going to keep making excuses for being so boring and lack luster. When Nevaeh gets older. When I have more money. When I’m married. When I retire. Maybe when I have a near death experience that finally makes me realize that my life is ticking away and there is no point in waiting on anything to live it.
Unfortunately I know I will just keep living my boring life. Day in, day out. Hopefully this will inspire other people to not be boring like me.

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Stop it Miranda!

When is enough going to be enough? I just keep gaining weight. I become more and more disgusted with myself by the day. I spend all my time thinking about losing the weight and pining over my 21 year old body and planning my strategy and decorating my food journal and printing out my fitness calendar and guess what? I actually take NO action what so ever! I just keep eating and being lazy like every other day in the last almost 2 years I’ve been struggling with this. Now, that really blows! That blows worse than if I was doing nothing at all because I’m talking myself into a diet, weight loss frenzy and the failure to take action is a double whammy to my confidence as a result. How long can I talk and talk and talk to myself and produce no follow through before I can’t even take myself seriously anymore? It’s ridiculous! I should be ashamed of myself! Burly, that’s what I am. Burly and manly looking. I’m starting to get one of those stomachs that hang down over my pants, and even if I pull my pants up over the sag you can still see the disgusting fat bulge underneath my pants. Like those people that are so fat you wonder where their fat stops and their privates begin. AHHHHHH! Stop it stop it! Miranda stop it right now! No more talking. Doing something fatty!!! This is my new weight loss plan put down the damn fork and eat less, get off my fat ass and move more!!! God I piss myself off sometimes!

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