My Life

I sometimes wonder if everyone feels as chaotic as I do sometimes. It’s a weird feeling comparable to an obsessive compulsive having to have everything in it’s place and locking and unlocking the door three times just to feel at peace with life. I feel like if my apartment is clean and organized enough, or Nevaeh and I are perfectly compatible all the time or I never make any mistakes in my job, in my relationship or as a mother then I’ll have it all figured out. For some reason when there are enough little things going wrong I just feel like the world is coming to an end.
I feel like I should be doing something more with my life. Doing something more meaningful or adventurous or…just something! I feel like until I master the day in and day out to a tee, I’m not capable or deserving of exploring more of life. Or maybe that’s just my excuse because I’m too scared to explore more of life.
It kind of reminds me of an episode of friends where Monica’s credit card was stolen. When she saw all the cool things the thief was charging to her credit card she realized how dull her life was in comparison and furthermore that she could have been doing all the things the thief was doing. So she did. She took the tap lessons, enjoyed the Broadway shows and concerts, etc.
I know I’m going to keep making excuses for being so boring and lack luster. When Nevaeh gets older. When I have more money. When I’m married. When I retire. Maybe when I have a near death experience that finally makes me realize that my life is ticking away and there is no point in waiting on anything to live it.
Unfortunately I know I will just keep living my boring life. Day in, day out. Hopefully this will inspire other people to not be boring like me.