Caught up to speed

I always try and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. Even the things that are so awful that you can’t possible conceive of any way anything good could come of it. There have been many times when my faith in this concept has been tested and many times I was reassured that this is right (some still pending, but that’s what faith is) . Even if you never can see the grand design of unfortunate events that are unfolding around you, or the higher purpose for it, it’s always there. Sometimes it takes months, years, a lifetime to see it, but everything happens for a reason. I will always believe that.

At the end of July a guy I was seeing completely crushed me. I’m not going to get into detail because it doesn’t matter anymore. But I honestly felt that there was no hope in trying to find someone I could be truly happy with. My outlook on relationships grew dimmer than it already was. I felt like I had been so careful in waiting to get into a relationship until I was ready and until I met someone that my judgement told me was good.

In recovering from that heartbreak an interesting question was posed to me by myself during my reflection on those events. I asked myself if I was willing to be safe and never open up to anyone again and never allow myself to get close to anyone. Can I protect myself so closely that I never have a chance of experiencing true happiness, love, intimacy? I knew I couldn’t live with never really experiencing what it is to connect with someone. So what is the other option? Take the risk. Put myself out there again and again. As many times as it take to find that one special someone to share the rest of my life with. Like they say, it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, right?

So what did I do? I put myself out there. I was going to date! A lot! So I rallied my friends up and told them to send any eligible bachelors my way! Miranda’s gonna play the field. See what’s out there. Sift through all the shit to find…. something real.

Within two weeks I was done dating, playing the field and all that happy stuff. Something amazing happened. I met someone that made me feel comfortable and secure. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t feel judged or like I should feel lucky to be with him because of all my baggage. I just felt accepted. I felt that my daughter was accepted. I felt like we could talk to each other about anything. I felt something that I didn’t think existed. An overwhelming feeling that this was just right. It’s just right.

I realize I haven’t posted in a while, but hey, sometimes life gets in the way. I was fired from my job back in August and spent 6 hectic, stressful, nerve breaking weeks frantically searching for a job (above mentioned beau, still awesome through all of this). My previous employer had denied my unemployment benefits even though the termination was unjust and my appeal took a very long time. I have no income and no prospects and was about to seriously lose it.

At the end of September I started working for a new company and I can’t say enough good things. I am really happy with this company and enjoy the work that I do. I have never worked for a company quite like it and feel very fortunate and grateful to be a part of it. I’m still not sure how I managed to get in this place because from what I hear, it’s not easy. This is not just another job to pay the bills. This is a career if I want it. And I think I do.

Last week I got a notice in the mail that a hearing date was set for my unemployment appeal. My first thought was to just toss it. I didn’t feel like it was worth it. I have a job now and am, for the most part, caught up on my bills. I just didn’t see the point in rehashing everything for a few bucks. I talked to a friend of mine about it who told me that I need to at least see this through. I felt justified enough to appeal in the first place, and regardless if my situation is better now that company still owes me for 6 weeks that I was unemployed. I slept on it and decided she was right. If my appeal is denied I will walk away, but if there’s a chance that I can recoup that money, that would be huge! That would almost make it like that 6 week period of time, and all my maxed out credit cards never happened!!!
So I went to the hearing this morning. My previous employer didn’t have their crap together at all. I don’t know how it will turn out, but I feel proud that I saw that through. No matter what the outcome.

I will be sure to keep this thing posted more often. I will try not to let several months go by again. We’ll see.