These Days.....

I’ve put my lifestyle on the backburner lately and become very lazy and lax about mostly everything. I’ve somehow found myself in another rut where my only goal is to get through each day….am I waiting for something exciting to just jump out at me or do I really want my life to be like this?

I get up in the morning and go to work. I come home and make dinner (lately it’s been getting more and more quick and simple soups sandwiches, fast food and mac and cheese). Then I lay on the couch for the rest of the night pretty much. Nevaeh craves attention and stimulation and I just want to lay there and watch my shows. Have a little drinky drink. I get through the rest of the week just waiting for the weekend to finally come, but when it does I lie around, do my laundry, and clean my place…

Can someone shake me please?

I guess I feel like I’m just letting my life pass me by. My head is so far up the futures ass and I don’t even know what I’m looking forward to. My life is happening and I’m not really participating much and it drives me crazy!

I don’t know if anyone else know what its like to be in that half awake half asleep mode. Your body is asleep but your mind is conscious and alert and you feel paralyzed in your bed. It always starts to freak me out after a while until I take all the energy I can muster to jerk myself out of that weird state of consciousness but I do it and then it’s all good.

I feel like I want to just figure out a way to do that with my life. To just invoke all the energy I can find and jerk my consciousness into a totally different way of being. But alas, it is a process which must be defeated one stupid little habit at a time.

There are a lot of small changes I would like to make and it’s not hard stuff. Eating better, exercising, spending more quality time with Nevaeh, drinking less, watching less TV. and meditating more. These are not difficult things to do, and I know once the change is made and I’m consistent for a period of time, they will just stick…kind of like the bad habits stuck.

So I guess the first step is making the change. I will start with food and Nevaeh just because I feel those are the more pressing matters. Probably spending more time with Nevaeh will cause the tv to be off more.

I meditated last night and was reminded of how peaceful it is. I’ve been dealing with old bastards all day and still feel in a great mood.

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hello lo oo oo o

testing one two

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I'm still alive!

I haven’t posted a blog in a good long while. I guess life kind of gets away from you sometimes. Lately I feel like I have just been trying to get through each day then each week etc. The summer has been a cold one and I’ve lost some of my luster and excitement over getting over the winter time blues.

I have met a boy…a very nice boy, but I’m uncertain. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been in a relationship I feel like I don’t know which way is up sometimes. I can’t find anything wrong with him, but I just....am retarded. The thought of being intimate with just one person or having to touch base with someone before I make plans is just terrifying and regardless of all my time spent single and how ready I think I should feel for this I am extremely unsure.

I feel like I’ve waited so long and done so much work on myself preparing to be good for someone. I feel like I’ve been waiting for someone exactly like him to come into my life and bring so many dreams and possibilities alive, but I also feel like deep down I want to sabotage this. That deep down I feel that no matter how badly I may want things to work out they won’t because that’s an inevitable truth of life. Relationships don’t last. People get their hearts broken in the end. It’s just the way it is.

I just don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be that bitter girl who refuses to accept anything worth while into her life because of what she thinks she knows about the way of the world. I’m smart enough to know that what I’ve witnessed in my life, in my parents lives, in my grandparents lives isn’t necessarily the end all honest truth about love and relationships. I’m think I’m smart enough to know that I don’t know anything, really. And that anything is possible in this life.

What will become of this boy, I wonder? It’s all too soon to tell, but is moving along fast. What will become of this situation that now seems to be so perfect? I wonder what I will learn.

Any who…

I’ve really been trying to get back into the habit of believing that I am the all powerful creator of my world. And I’m really trying to explain this without sounding ‘holier than thou’ or like an atheist or a crazy person…which will be exceedingly difficult.

I’ve been studying the power of the mind, and the power of thought and it’s became pretty blatant that there’s something too it. I feel that the thoughts you think really do manifest the world around you and draw in the events of your life. I challenge everyone who reads this to give this a small test. There’s really nothing to it, just think of something small you’d like to draw into your life…a new friend, a phone call from someone special, a Big Mac, whatev!... and don’t just think ‘I want such and such’ you have to believe it’s yours already yours, that’s it’s already on it’s way. Just think believe and receive!

I’ve been playing with the idea of meditation and being more in control of my thoughts and what benefits may be reaped from that. It’s really amazing how much fun you can have in your own head. Again, I’m not trying to sound crazy, but to completely clear your mind is just so peaceful! I recommend meditation to anyone.

Nevaeh will be starting dance lesson in September. I am very excited for that, it’s her first taste of the wonderful world of extra curricular activities! I am dedicated to making sure that I am there and supportive (as supportive as you can be of a 3 year old’s dance lessons I guess) and am always involved and interested in her extra curricula’s. I feel that is a huge part of why kids get into trouble…lack of interest and involvement from the parents. I guess we’ll see how that theory pans out 10 years from now =/

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