Miranda--the novelist

I am a super nerd when it comes to reading. Well, okay I shouldn’t say super nerd. I don’t read encyclopedias or anything, but I am constantly reading a book and always have a dictionary near by to look up words I don’t know. In addition to that I watch TV with the captions on so that if I hear/see a word I don’t know I’ll know how to spell it and can look it up. I’ve learned some weird ass words that way, but have not been able to use them in sentences. Bummer, I know.

The thought crosses my mind frequently that I need to write a book. In my wildest thoughts I envision myself as having enough life and worldly experience to write an inspirational fictional novel. I’ve always had a passion for writing and always fantasized about writing a New York Times best seller and when I’m reading a book I tend to think to myself ‘hey, I can do this!’

The problem I have when I actually sit down to begin a best selling novel is the basis. The main idea. The general purpose. What do I want to write about? What do I know enough about to write about? What do I have to say that may be interesting to other people? What messages and morals do I want to come through in my subtext? How can I really become all the different characters in my novel to make their personalities believable?

Where do I start, where do I end? Does a writer already know how the story will end before they start?

There are so many factors involved. I can read a book effortlessly and think I can do it, but when it all comes down to actually starting, I become overwhelmed. Plot, sentence structure, grammar, witty vocal, sprightly character! The whole integrity of a story counts on so many minute details Ahhh!

I think I’m just scared to actually dive in with both feet because I don’t want to end up finding out I’m not good enough to live my dreams. That I don’t have what it takes to roll with the big dogs.

There has been several times in my life that I have really gotten serious about starting a novel. I bullet point ideas, plot out my characters and their various ticks, devise a general storyline, even make those bubble chart thingys, but I always hit a dead end. The story never ends up having enough substance or I just get frustrated with something and give up. I tell myself that I’ll try again once I’ve had more schooling in the English field or once I’ve achieved by B.A., or once I’ve found something useful to write about.

Writing is something I enjoy. It’s something, like reading, that I do for fun.

I can see (once I’ve been ‘discovered’ of course) a spare room converted to an office (for moi) with bookshelves galore, huge bay windows and totally groovy modern contemporary décor. I imagine that I’m busy and sought after, yet happy and confident in my work. I can picture myself with a sweet-ass blackberry that’s used for business e-mails and keeping my schedule straight (what with all the meetings and book signing and speaking with producers about turning my novels into major motion pictures, ya know) as opposed to what I would use one for now….uh….to look cool(er).

Sometimes when I’m reading one of my favorite authors I think to myself ‘wow this could be tediously hard work’ (I realize I'm contradicting myself) when I recognize a substantial amount of effort and/or research must have gone into a particular part of the book, or when I feel like I would have to know a wide array of things in order to write a good book.

I find that this makes me not want to be an author by trade. Then it would be my job. Like, my livelihood and stuff. Like something I am mandated to do to live and eat. Then it doesn’t seem like so much fun. Then I’ll be dealing with deadlines and publishers and editors and agents and critics etc. instead of engaging in a leisurely activity as writing is to me at the present.

Am I too young to write a good book? Too immature? Too fickle? Too dumb? Do I need more life experience to capture a broad audience?

Stupid hopes and dream. They can be a real pain in the ass.

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